All or Nothing

It’s either all, or it’s nothing.  I’m really bad about this- and it’s something that I’m working on changing.  This “All or Nothing” attitude isn’t new- it’s something that I’ve dealt with my entire life.

You start something new, and you’r all in!  It’s so much fun!  You do it every day, or nearly every day- why wouldn’t you?  It’s new!  It’s exciting!  But then you realize, as the days go on, that it wasn’t as exciting as you though it was.  Or you get bored with the idea of it, and you just don’t want to do it anymore.

That’s how I am.  I either give it my all, or I give nothing.  I’m that with my work.  I’m that way with my schooling.  I’m that way with art.  I’m that way with crochet.  I haven’t written, drawn, painted, or crocheted anything in two weeks!  Longer than that for crocheting- it’s probably been like a month a half since I picked up my hook and yarn!  But why am I like this?  It’s not like I suddenly don’t like these things anymore, because I do!  In fact, I love them.  They’re my hobbies, the things that keep me sane.  Yet, here comes that “all or nothing” attitude.

I guess it all ties in to my mental health.  When I’m in a better state of mind, I’m more likely to take care of myself, and do things that I enjoy.  When I’m having a rough time, I don’t want to do anything.  I just want to sleep.  So I sleep.  And do nothing.

That kind of thinking is dangerous, because it is exactly when I’m having a rough time that I need to do these things!  Being creative brings me joy; it makes me happy.  So when I’m down and need to get out of  my slump, I really should be doing these things!

But that’s where I hit a brick wall.  I don’t want to do anything.

And that’s where I’m at right now.  I’ve hit a brick wall.  Everything in my life has just suddenly stopped.  Life goes on around me, but I’ve stopped.  I’ve stopped creating.  I’ve stopped loving things.  I’ve stopped caring.  Sure, I go to work.  But it’s hard, I don’t give it my all.  I dread when the time comes to get ready for work.  I definitely have a ‘nothing’ attitude when it comes to this, but I still keep going.  I have to.  It’s not like I can suddenly just not go to work because I don’t feel like it.  So I go.  And I hate it.

School?  I give it my ‘nothing’ right now.  I can afford it, and it’s not like it’s hard?  I mean, I do my work when it’s due.  But I do it the night before, after I come home from work.  And I know I can do better than that.  But I don’t.

This ‘all or nothing’ attitude of mine,.. it will be the death of me if I don’t change the tune I’m singing soon.  Because it’s not fun.  And I really want to break down this brick wall I’m surrounded by.

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